I guess I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this
morning…or maybe this week if we’re being totally honest. I’m a sensitive
person and I let things get to me that I really shouldn’t. I read into things
and I overthink things and I assume things and I beat myself up over all of it. I’m pretty obviously aware of
it (even more so than I would like to be) and I’ve tried to overcome it – but
it isn’t always as simple as that. No matter the pep talks I try to give
myself, some days are just rough. That’s life. And that’s what this morning was
like…so I finally let go of my pride (which I hold on to a little too tightly
most of the time) and accepted that I couldn’t bear it on my own anymore. Then
I talked to God. I didn’t just pray, but I really, really talked to him. I
usually do that in moments just like this one. Moments when I’ve reached my
limit and I don’t know what to do or how to handle it or how to keep acting
like nothing’s bothering me anymore. I finally let go and say exactly what’s on
my mind. I release everything I’m feeling, express exactly what I really want
and need in order to feel better and to be able to keep moving forward, and I
allow myself to stop trying to be so formal. I worry less about being put
together and perfect, and I’m finally vulnerable before God.
“Heavenly Father, I just need to know that I matter. I’m so
sick of being a second choice, and I just need to survive the rest of this
semester. Please let me feel wanted.”
There was no real form to what I said. There was a start,
and there were a lot of words, but I’m not sure there was ever really an end. Just
a lot of repetition and “I don’t knows” and letting go. But however informal it
was, He heard me.
I went to the Tuesday devotional on campus afterward (which
is just one of the many perks of BYUI), but I was a little bit of a wreck. My
mind wasn’t all there, and I don’t think I was completely ready to listen for
any answer to my questions and confusion. But God was ready to speak and be
heard. Despite the fact that my mind and emotions were all over the place
throughout that hour, I managed to hear and write down three things:
·
Romans 8:31 – “…If God be for us, who can be
against us?”
·
“Have I told you that I love you today? I love
you.”
·
Doctrine & Covenants 6:20-21 – “…Be faithful
and diligent in keeping the commandments of God, and I will encircle thee in
the arms of my love. / Behold, I am Jesus Christ, the Son of God. I am the same
that came unto mine own, and mine own received me not. I am the light which
shineth in darkness, and the darkness comprehendeth it not.”
He heard me. And he hears you too.
