Worthy of Prayer

I used to think I understood prayer.

I’ve had lessons on it since before I was old enough to walk, and I still have frequent lessons about it now in college. But somehow through all of it, I didn’t quite take away what I was supposed to. My head heard the words, but my heart didn’t fully comprehend.

In Doctrine & Covenants 10:5 as well as in many other verses spread all throughout the scriptures, we’re directed to “pray always.” A pattern of prayer connects you to Heavenly Father and gives you power over Satan. But like I said, we’re supposed to seek that power always. Not just when life becomes too much and we’ve realized we’re weak. But until a week ago (or maybe closer to two now) I wasn’t applying those lessons and concepts to myself and to my life in the right way.

Because of the way I took it, I often felt guilty praying in the midst of my confusion and suffering. Through the various times of inconsistent to almost non-existent prayer in my life, I didn’t feel worthy of His support and guidance through my trials. I told myself on more than one occasion that since I wasn’t praying when life was good, I didn’t deserve His love and support when it wasn’t good. I didn’t want to use God. So my habits of pleading and prayer were often short-lived. I prayed occasionally, but didn’t want to form a habit of prayer out of my selfish needs. In my mind, that was the equivalent of the foolish man building his house on a foundation of sand. But then I came across a verse in Luke that says that in his agony, Christ prayed more earnestly. (Luke 22:44) And suddenly my heart understood too.

It’s okay if your trials are what bring you to your knees.

Our trials remind us of just how desperately we need God in our lives. They unveil the weaknesses we’ve been trying so hard to hide from, and they present opportunities for us to recommit ourselves to Him. There should be no guilt in turning back toward God, and there should be no fear either. No matter your reason for returning, or the detours you’ve taken along the path, He’s waiting with outstretched arms. He loves you with a love that is beyond the power of words, and he has never forgotten you.

It’s okay if your trials are what bring you to your knees.

He Heard Me

I guess I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning…or maybe this week if we’re being totally honest. I’m a sensitive person and I let things get to me that I really shouldn’t. I read into things and I overthink things and I assume things and I beat myself up over all of it. I’m pretty obviously aware of it (even more so than I would like to be) and I’ve tried to overcome it – but it isn’t always as simple as that. No matter the pep talks I try to give myself, some days are just rough. That’s life. And that’s what this morning was like…so I finally let go of my pride (which I hold on to a little too tightly most of the time) and accepted that I couldn’t bear it on my own anymore. Then I talked to God. I didn’t just pray, but I really, really talked to him. I usually do that in moments just like this one. Moments when I’ve reached my limit and I don’t know what to do or how to handle it or how to keep acting like nothing’s bothering me anymore. I finally let go and say exactly what’s on my mind. I release everything I’m feeling, express exactly what I really want and need in order to feel better and to be able to keep moving forward, and I allow myself to stop trying to be so formal. I worry less about being put together and perfect, and I’m finally vulnerable before God.

“Heavenly Father, I just need to know that I matter. I’m so sick of being a second choice, and I just need to survive the rest of this semester. Please let me feel wanted.”

There was no real form to what I said. There was a start, and there were a lot of words, but I’m not sure there was ever really an end. Just a lot of repetition and “I don’t knows” and letting go. But however informal it was, He heard me.

I went to the Tuesday devotional on campus afterward (which is just one of the many perks of BYUI), but I was a little bit of a wreck. My mind wasn’t all there, and I don’t think I was completely ready to listen for any answer to my questions and confusion. But God was ready to speak and be heard. Despite the fact that my mind and emotions were all over the place throughout that hour, I managed to hear and write down three things:

·      Romans 8:31 – “…If God be for us, who can be against us?”

·      “Have I told you that I love you today? I love you.”

·      Doctrine & Covenants 6:20-21 – “…Be faithful and diligent in keeping the commandments of God, and I will encircle thee in the arms of my love. / Behold, I am Jesus Christ, the Son of God. I am the same that came unto mine own, and mine own received me not. I am the light which shineth in darkness, and the darkness comprehendeth it not.”

He heard me. And he hears you too.

You Are Enough

If you read my last post, then here’s the follow up post that I promised! This is a variation of the text from the talk I gave last week in sacrament meeting. If you didn’t read my last post, then I forgive you and I’ll give you a chance to make up for it. You can read it right here! It’ll give you a little bit of the background and process behind my talk. (Sorry that this post is a little long, but keep in mind that I was asked to fill up about 15 minutes of time!)

To start out, I’ll put the words of a familiar primary song into your mind. “I am a child of God, and he has sent me here, has given me an earthly home with parents kind and dear.” Those words are probably pretty simple to a lot of you because you’ve more than likely been singing them and hearing them throughout a large portion of your life. But while they’re simple, they also share an extremely important message – and I think we tend to forget that sometimes. Or maybe we don’t really forget, but we just don’t take the time to acknowledge how sacred the words actually are. I think that we also don’t necessarily realize how many people there are that don’t know the truths of that song. They’re not common knowledge for everyone, but we can do something to change that. And God has entrusted each of us with that role.

I work in retail, and we have certain procedures that we follow when someone loses their child. If a parent has been looking around the store for a while and can’t find their son or daughter, they’ll often seek out the help of an employee. It’s then announced over the intercom, we get a description of the child, and then the workers all spread out to search for the child until they’re found. Luckily it doesn’t happen often, but when it does it’s a pretty terrifying and heartbreaking experience. Emotions are high, the parents are frantic, and in that moment they want nothing more than to be holding their child in their arms again. And that is a lot like how this life is. Unlike those parents, Heavenly Father knows where each of his children are, but he’s turning to us and asking us to help return his children to him and to help them find him. And like the parents in the store, I can only imagine the desperation that Heavenly Father feels knowing that so many of his children are lost. When it’s put that way, it feels like a pretty overwhelming task because Heavenly Father is counting on us. He needs us to put forth the effort and do the work to find his children so that he can hold them again. But I don’t think we realize how simple missionary work can really be.

When people talk about missionary work, this is terrible, but most of the time something inside of me just kind of turns off. It’s like a switch is flipped and I zone out because I guess I feel like it doesn’t really apply to me. I didn’t choose to serve a mission, and I don’t consider myself adequate or brave enough to share the gospel in my everyday life. I know it’s important and that I should be sharing, but knowing that doesn’t necessarily make it any less intimidating. What can make it less intimidating, hopefully, is if we change the way we classify missionary work in our minds.

First, we need to stop thinking that we’re not capable of doing it, and we need to stop feeling guilty for not doing more because guilt can only take us so far. Instead, we need to start focusing on recognizing and accepting what we have done. In the last October conference Elder Neil A. Andersen said, “I suggest that you stop feeling guilty about any insufficiency you think you have in sharing the gospel. Rather, pray, like Alma taught, for opportunities.” I think we honestly do a lot more missionary work than we give ourselves credit for. One of my favorite little mantras that I try to live by is, “Know who you are, and know it’s enough.” And it can truly be that simple. If you’re living according to the knowledge that you have, then your testimony will almost involuntarily shine out through your day-to-day activities and be a light to those around you. Just being you and just being present is sometimes all that you need. When God created you, he created a masterpiece. And you don’t need to be anything different than what God created you to be. If you’re willing to work, then God will place you in a position to do it.

Going back to my job in retail, I tend to meet a lot of different types of people. Because of that, the language and conversations that I’m surrounded by can be pretty crude at times. Sometimes I find myself worrying and wondering if I stand out from that and if I do enough to let those around me know that that’s not who I am. It seems like there are so many stories of people who were recognized as a Mormon in a crowd of nonmembers because they just radiate light, but I wasn’t sure if I was one of those people or if I ever really could be one of them. So I’m just curious sometimes as I talk to customers if they can tell the type of person I am or what my standards are. Then a little more than a week or so ago I was having a casual conversation with a customer at my register, and just as she was turning to leave she stopped and asked if I was a student at BYU-Idaho. I didn’t really think much of it and told her that I am, but then she kind of smiled and said something along the lines of, “I could tell,” or “I thought so.” It made me so excited and so happy, but it was busy, and I had to take the next customer, and there wasn’t really anyone around me that I could talk to about it right then, so I just stood at my register all randomly excited. Everyone around me right then probably thought I was pretty weird or something (what’s new?), but in that moment I was reminded that we don’t give ourselves enough credit for being who we are.

Second, we need to stop limiting our view of who we can share the gospel with. Usually when we’re asked if we know of anyone we could share the gospel with we respond with blank stares and something like, “No, there’s not a single person in my whole entire life that I could even imagine sharing the gospel with.” But with all of the people in the world, do you really and truly believe that God would only place maybe one or two people in your life that you could share with? One of my absolute favorite quotes comes from President Spencer W. Kimball, and he said, “We must remember that those mortals we meet in parking lots, offices, elevators, and elsewhere are that portion of mankind God has given us to love and to serve.” I’m a firm believer that God does not work through coincidences. He’s very aware of the things going on in our lives, and he places us together for a reason.

I used to have a really bad habit of constantly texting while I was walking between classes on campus, and then I was reminded of that quote. So I decided to set a goal to only text before I start walking or once I get to where I’m going so that I can pay more attention to the people around me and hopefully not walk past someone that God put in my path and trusted me with. Since I started doing that I noticed that I definitely see more of my friends as I’m walking, but I don’t necessarily feel like I’ve been anyone’s guardian angel or that I’ve even made much of a difference or impact. But Elder Andersen said, “Much of the important work of God is unseen in the eyes of the world.” Most of the time we may not even be aware of the work we’re doing ourselves, but it doesn’t go unnoticed. God is aware. He recognizes the things we do and the difference that we make.

Third, we need to acknowledge that sometimes the most important missionary work we do could be within our own hearts. Just like on an airplane when they tell you to put your own oxygen mask on first. You need to make sure that you return, because even if you’re not lost, God loves and misses you, and he’s just waiting for the day that he can hold you in his arms again. If you continue to replenish your faith and remain firm in your testimony, and raise your children in the gospel, then you’re teaching and inspiring generations and generations to come.

So now I’m going to loop back to where we first started out because if we’re supposed to teach ourselves first, then we need to remind ourselves of the simple truths and make them personal to us again. I’ll apply this next part more to myself, but just fill in the blanks to make it apply to you.

I, Maci Owen, am a child of God. And he sent me here on (birthday). Has given me an earthly home with parents, (parents’ names), kind and dear.

I, Maci Owen, am a child of God. And he sent me here…to Rexburg, to BYU-Idaho, to my YSA ward. Has given me an earthly home at (address), with roommates kind and dear.

Those truths really do apply directly to us, and missionary work really is a sacred duty that we’re all called to and that is within everyone’s reach. I would challenge you to stop putting so much pressure on yourself and to just begin. Start somewhere. Start anywhere. Start with yourself. But just take one step at a time and see where you end up. Again from Elder Andersen, he said, “Each of us is a piece of the puzzle, and each of us helps to set in place other essential pieces. You are important to this great cause.”

Things in our lives happen for specific reasons. You are here, because you’re needed here. You have a purpose in God’s plan, and right now whether you recognize it or not, you’re playing a part in that plan. And it’s a part that only you can play because it’s the one that God trusted you with.

God has a plan and a purpose for you. He is aware of you, he is guiding your footsteps, and he believes in you and your abilities. He knows your strengths and your weaknesses, and if you turn to him he will help you to overcome those weaknesses. He will buoy you up so that you can accomplish the sacred tasks that he has been preparing you for throughout your lives.

And now in case I haven’t already said this enough – there are a few things that I felt needed to be shared even before I found out what my topic was: He is aware of you. He knows about the trials and fears and doubts that you’ve never shared with anyone. It doesn’t matter if anyone else understands the struggle, because he does. And he will help you win the battles that you fight behind closed doors. You’re so loved, and you’re so much more than you give yourself credit for.

I promise that if you’ll trust in God and open up your heart to him, then he will help you through whatever it is that you’re facing right now.

He Can Use You

Going in to this semester I had a feeling that I would be asked to speak in sacrament meeting at some point. Not like one of those, “I really don’t want to have to speak so I know that’s exactly what’s going to happen” feelings, because I’m one of the people that actually really enjoys preparing and giving talks. Instead, it was the type of feeling that you can’t quite explain. It’s one of those things that you know through your heart instead of your mind. And I even knew which member of the bishopric would be asking me, too. Because of that, I was prepared! Rather than being caught off guard, I was basically already nodding and saying yes as he approached me two weeks ago to ask…looking back, he probably thought I was nuts! I had to wait a few days after I was asked before I found out what my assigned topic was, but even before I was told, thoughts and ideas came to me that I felt needed to be shared. I didn’t want to forget them, so I created a note in my phone and figured I could just look back through it later on and decide if any of it was worth using.

What I didn't expect was that those impressions ended up forming the backbone of my talk. They guided me as I studied and prepared throughout the next week and a half. They took my words in a different direction than I would have ever thought to take them on my own.

My assigned topic was Elder Neil L. Andersen’s remarks from the October 2016 general conference, and when I first read through it I had no clue where I was going to go with it. For whatever reason it didn’t feel right to me. It didn’t feel like the topic I was expecting…does that even make sense? I swear I don’t think in the same way that most people do. Regardless, I was confused. I read through Elder Andersen’s talk and highlighted a few things that stood out to me, but I wasn’t sure how I was going to build off of it. I had no plan or direction!

Now, I definitely feel like I struggle when I’m seeking answers or guidance for myself. Maybe that’s because it’s hard for me to discern between what I want to hear and what God is actually telling me. But if I’ve learned one thing, it’s that God will always let me know what others need to hear when I’m put in a position to speak to them – if I’m willing to reach out to him.

So I gathered up a pen and some paper, staked out my territory on the couch, grabbed my trusty Diet Coke and blankie, and opened back up to “A Witness of God” by Elder Andersen. Then I turned it over to God. I prayed that the words would come to me, and I prayed that I would be able to say the things that the people in attendance would need to hear. I prayed that I would be able to make a connection to the message, and I prayed that I would be able to share the message that he needed to be spoken. Then I started writing…and I kept on writing…and I continued writing for so long that I was able to say good morning to my roommate before she left to work out (and then I felt a little guilty as I realized she was going to go run while I was well on my way to earning the title of Queen Couch Potato). And then I slept – but not before I’d written the entire thing. There were still plenty of finishing touches and planning, organizing, and practicing to be done…but the bulk of it was out of the way. And I’d used all of my notes except for one, which I was totally content with. Then in my final preparations I felt like even that one thought couldn't be left out and needed to be tacked on to the very end – right after my testimony. And on top of that I felt that I needed to write it out word for word on the back of my outline just in case anyone asked to take a picture of it.

I spent my whole Sunday morning reading through what I had prepared and trying to commit the words to memory. I was a little more uneasy and anxious than I normally am before speaking, and I could feel myself shaking as I stood at the pulpit. Luckily I managed to at least get the words out, but when I finished I felt completely defeated and embarrassed. I couldn’t remember anything I’d said, and it seemed like I’d rushed and stumbled through the entire thing. I started kind of beating myself up for not writing my outline earlier and for not rehearsing more and for failing at this chance that I was given. But the remarks, compliments, thanks, and encouragement I heard throughout the rest of the day more than made up for all of the judgments I was casting upon myself.

Satan tried to steal that good thing from me, but God sent angels to let me know I’d done what he asked of me. And while I’m sure my delivery and execution were far from perfect, God doesn’t ask for perfect. He asks for effort. He asks for a willing and open heart. And if you’ll give him those things, then he can use you to spread his love and to accomplish his work.

And get this – after relief society, the girl sitting in front of me turned around to ask if she could take a picture of the final remarks from my talk.

(Stay tuned to actually read the talk…that’s coming next!)